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Vicious Cycles

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VICIOUS CYCLES

                                       VICIOUS CYCLES
 
Pleading  mercy, praying please
Another life, second chance for me;
“that’s all I ask O Lord, all I need,
Please listen Lord, please hear my plea

“I’m sorry” so easy to say, why then
each and every single day?
Guilt not erased nor the sin,
I knew not how nor where from within

Years passed, no answer as yet,
Had I not paid my priceless debt?
Have I not reached the pleasing peak,
My mind was tired, body weak

Feeling alone, desperate – lost,
Thoughts of good, evil forever being tossed;
All reigning strong from just one sin?
Without your blessing - knowing I could not win

Ugly moments, chills – life so sheer,
Whirling round my lost soul, utmost fear
Tears of sadness unseen, unfelt,
No consolation, no peace left about

Sleepless light-year, endless flight,
Determined forgiveness would come one night.
Begging mercy for what I had almost done,
Only knowing in my mind - gone the time and rising sun

Vicious cycles I could only see,
Mother, father, grandparents and me.
Generations come, centuries have passed,
Yet still, something amiss and “nothing ever lasts”

A piercing empty hole I could only feel!
Was this my destiny, was this really real?
Dare say I forgot You – total despair everywhere,
Is HELL this horrible? Does my spirit even care?

Clinging on to every second, praying please all the way,
Knowing what I should have done, but what about today?
Like a thief in the night “it” did come stealing grace,
Was there no answer?  Was there no saving place?
Teach my son, my daughter right from wrong?
As vicious circles did smother me from getting strong;
Release the guilt, the anger and fear. How was this to be?
Acting out a mother’s love as I rocked them on my knee?

“Let this Hell end” I did pray.  “Let it end this very day!”
Fill soul’s void with love and grace: fill me, fill me in this Your way.
“Forgive me Lord” for it was the devil’s lowly deed;
“Take him away from me” oh, how I did plead

“Spiral end” unceasingly I did pray,
“Let it end now with me, this hellish, dreary day!”
Guide me from evils’ flame – world’s lonely strife,
Guide me, guide me in this my life.

He did bring patience, love – what I did seek.
Years once full of sorrow, now the pleasing peak
In His own way, and in His own time,
He meshed my life just as in this rhyme

A purpose, a time for all was to be,
Was He really rocking me upon His knee?
Comforting, listening to all self doubts, He and
He alone knew what my life was to be about.

Vicious cycles, no more do I see,
Que sera, sera – is this what was meant to be?
Chain now broken, life can now go on,
Spirit renewed through God alone, now remain strong

Vow Darling – AKA    “Always A Mother”  D.A. GRAY
 
This poem was written after having been in a deep, dark, lonely place for three and a quarter years on and off, but mostly on. It helps to capture the intense feelings of loss, guilt, and shame felt by the inner dysfunctional child, but also highlights the "blind-faith", patience and love found in the process toward forgiving self and those who brought me the "transfered" guilt and shame in the first place.
 
 
                                   IF TODAY
 
If today your mom could rock you, tell the story of your
birth - you would listen, Sommer, with wonderment,
knowing why God sent Melanie to this precious earth.
 
If today you could see her tend the flowers .... or brush
your little girls' hair, all would come to know why a
special mom was sent as "mother" to one so very fair.
 
If today we could make a wish for your mother to bring
the cake and more, your heart would feel unending love
sent by "Mom" from a now quiet, distant shore.
 
If today your mom could hold you - show the love to help
others understand, that you are the greatest flower she
tends now ... in heaven's eternal rainbow land.
 
Vow Darling
(Vow Verse, Especially for You)
 
 
(This poem was written specifically for Sommer Skyy, Melanie Blocker-Stokes daughter.  www.melaniesbattle.org  Sommer's grandmother, Carol Blocker, sent me her granddaughter's picture and a special remembrance of Melanie as they celebrated Sommer's birthday this year, 2005. I was moved to write the poem above for Sommer.)  
 

 

On Becoming a Breast Cancer Survivor

 

When I close my eyes, no cancer do I see within me,

All about is peace, gentle warmth, serenity.

 

Where once was wholeness, untold uncertainty did take form,

For now, silence awaits outcome of present storm.

 

When eyes look down true solace not found on earthly floor

Search beacon’s light from stars at heaven’s door.

 

Amid night's surfing, searching answers with all my might 

amid waves of doubt throughout the dread of night.

 

For now, eyes open for words to come in spirit’s way,

Answers sought, bid answers come echoing within this day.  

 

No more to ponder, time to seek patience once again,

Against all odds, forging present with future, blind faith to send.

 

Tis time to bid fair goodnight that eyes shall soon rest,

tomorrow starts new journey - God always knows best.

 

 

(Recalling words flowing from the night's awareness of pending cancer surgery and chemotherapy, I put together intense feelings by closing eyes and writing this poem.  Copyrighted VOW VERSE, Fall of 2003 )